Poetry Friday: Freeform

Mona didn’t issue a formal challenge for Poetry Friday, but she did offer an opportunity for extra credit. I’m working diligently to get back into her good graces so I tried to cover multiple facets of this extra credit project. You probably noticed I neglected to mention the actual word. Call it a riddle if you wish, or just think of it as a little effort on my part not sully my good reputation in a Google search

The Informational Presentation:

The Spoof:

The Double Entendre:

Proceed at your own discretion…

Tisk Task

Task #1: Install flip out trays in front of kitchen sink
Time spent reading instructions: Two minutes.
Preparation required: Find screwdriver.
Installation time: Four minutes of actual labor. Ten minutes to locate a tape measure.
Sweat Quotient: Negligible.
Supervision: Unavailable due to napping on sofa.
Profanity: None.
Notes: Piece of cake. Packaging recycled.

Task #2: Build base for studio flat files
Time spent reading instructions: No instructions available. Winged it.
Preparation required: Thirty seconds to take measurements. Purchase two by fours.
Construction time: Two hours. Includes: cutting, gluing, sanding, staining, screwing, and poly.
Sweat Quotient: Negligible.
Supervision: Unavailable due to closed door.
Profanity: None.
Notes: Missus returned with ten fingers and no splinters.

Task #3: Assemble new bedroom furniture
Time spent reading instructions: Thirty minutes.
Preparation required: Half pitcher of margaritas.
Construction time: Nine fucking hours.
Sweat Quotient: Negligible.
Supervision: Two house cats and one plumber.
Profanity: Five stars. Three different languages.
Notes: When you order bedroom furniture online, and they charge less than three dollars for shipping, you will spend hours screwing, and I don’t mean on the bed. Superglue is not the Mister’s friend. Emergency trip to drugstore to purchase acetone. Surprisingly, furniture is very sturdy and has a nice finish. Cats approve of the low profile bed.

Task #4: Trim shrubs and bag leaves
Time spent reading instructions: N/A
Preparation required: Locate garbage bags, rake, and shears. Four hours.
Construction time: Approximately two hours
Sweat Quotient: Minimal due to low humidity.
Supervision: Two cats watching at window.
Profanity: Four stars.
Notes: Profanity directly proportionate to the pollen count. Sneezing is the number two cause of profanity.

Task #5: Assemble compost bin
Time spent reading instructions: Two minutes.
Preparation required: Open box.
Construction time: Eight minutes.
Sweat Quotient: Negligible.
Supervision: None. Cats busy doing jello shots.
Profanity: None.
Notes: Plastic assembly tool included.

Task #6: Install cat door in closet (Effectively conceals litter box)
Time spent reading instructions: Ten minutes studying clever pictures. Words not provided
Preparation required: Locating compass, jigsaw, screwdriver, tape measure, and kitchen sheers.
Construction time: Two fucking hours. Should have taken fifteen minutes.
Sweat Quotient: Negligible.
Supervision: Dirty Girl. She likes noisy tools.
Profanity: Think Pulp Fiction.
Notes: Parts left over. The last cat door was easier to install. The Mister opted for a fancier door this time because he seems to think someone has a weight problem.

Poetry Friday: Lean

Much to my delight, Mona has managed to carry on in my absence. I thought the world revolved me, but it seems that Mona and the rest of you have successfully carried on during my hangover. The word for this week is lean.

Rather than post photos of the tight fist of awesomeness that are my tight pecks and ripped abs, I wrote a poem especially for you.

The Great Air Mattress Debacle of 2008

In all their infinite wisdom, the bipeds decided to sleep on an air mattress before the truck arrived baring their furniture. I’m sure most of you know what they say about the best laid plans since you live in the real world, just like me.

I think the Missus was unduly influenced by having handed over an obscenely large check during the house closing process. After one makes a financial commitment of that magnitude, it opposes wallet logic to stay in a hotel for three days. At least it did at the time. I think they would think twice about repeating this rookie mistake if facing the same circumstances.

After unloading the cars, eating dinner and making sure Dirty Girl and I were properly settled in the basement, the folks decided to set up the air mattress. This particular sleep aid was twelve inches thick when fully inflated, and contained a battery powered motor. It would have been a good plan if the motor hadn’t burned up. DId you know package contents occasionally shift during the moving process? Sometimes electronics accidentally power up which is disastrous if all valves are not in their proper positions.

Dejected the Mister and Missus exchanged glances while growling at the big plastic tarp on the floor. The Missus volunteered to inflate with mattress the old-fashioned way, but secretly she longed to have a MacGyver moment and started wishing for duct tape, lysol and a radio antenna. As she was unpacking her suitcase, Richard Dean Anderson came to her in a vision and said, “Why are staring at that hairdryer?”

After her Oh, duh moment, she used the hairdryer to inflate the air mattress. Following the premature gloating, they proceeded to make the room comfortable. They opened the windows because the temperature was so nice, turned on the ceiling fan and settled in for what they thought would be a good night’s sleep. It started off well…

At 4AM, the Missus woke up freezing her ass off. The Mister was the victor in the cover wars. She was cold, drowsy, and not at her sharpest, so it took her a few minutes to realize she was laying on the floor shielded from the carpet by a thin piece of plastic. The Mister awoke after the Missus snatched his cover. Once they regained cognizance, they re-inflated the mattress, closed windows, tuned off the fan, turned on the heater and attempted sleep.

When morning came, the folks vowed to replace the air mattress before the next evening. I’m not sure what took place on their shopping trip that afternoon, but they did not return with a replacement. They came home with patio furniture instead. Explanations anyone? Is this what humans do when they want a good night’s rest? Purchase quality wooden chairs with cushions. Humans are weird.

Night two with the air mattress was very similar to night one. Well, minus the ass freezing part. By 2AM the air mattress was flat. At 8AM the folks were shopping for a thicker air mattress. Kudos to them for actually returning home with the item they intended to purchase in the first place.

They spent one night on the new air mattress and had a respectable nights sleep, before setting up their real bed. The new mattress purchase hasn’t been a total waste. It is currently leaning against the windows in lieu of curtains so the folks don’t flash the neighbors as they streak through the master suite.

Self-contained

Greetings all! The first order of business is brown-nosing. 

Thank you for sticking with me throughout this erratic posting cycle. I’ve been mentally composting composing posts in my head for the past two months, but we all know how infrequent my blog updating has really been. I mentioned a big move on the horizon earlier.  I had no idea it was going to require so much energy on the part of yours truly.

Apparently the bipeds were alarmed about my history of getting, uh well, lets just call it motion sickness. So a month before the big day, the people began a tournament of tournaments of rock, paper, scissors with the looser being responsible for hauling my and Dirty Girl’s furry asses six plus hours in a car to our new home. The Missus won the tournament, but the Mister intentionally over-packed his car and the only place remaining to accommodate our carriers, was….. you guessed it! In the Missus’s vehicle tied on top of cooler full of frozen peas and ribs. 

A word about cat carriers. Opposition. 

I think the concept is built upon good intentions and fail miserably when one pauses long enough to consider, cats are not one size. So why would a cat owner cat companion be so caviler as to purchase a one size  fits all carrier? And even try to sell me on the convenience of stack-ability

Judging by this picture I am overqualified to fit in this carrier. I’m not so gauche as to list my <strike> kibble</strike> vital statistics on the internet, but if you look closely at the image image below, you can see I am longer than two kitchen tiles, before I stretch out. The carrier in the background is ALMOST the length of two kitchen tiles. Problem.

The rigidity of this cat carrier prevents me from stretching out and being comfortable for long trips. What’s with that? Not to mention, it doesn’t accommodate my additional, though few possessions, like my corkscrew, favorite blanket, catnip stash, and pink bra with fake prosthetics. What’s a metrosexual cat to do?

If I can’t stretch out in the carrier like this, I can’t be expected to arrive to the destination all relaxed.

DIrty Girl and I discussed the situation and agreed to take one for the team and give the carriers a try. I called tops, because seriously, why would I accept anything less ?

In the end, the Missus made an executive decision and slipped a mickey into my espresso martini. I suppose that was the easiest solution to wedging me into one of these. By the time I woke up, I was in my new diggs with a raging hangover and a new word to explore.