DIY Project: Pimp My Rubber Ducks

Pimp my ducks, pimp my ducks
Dudes can’t float, and it kinda sucks.

Rubber ducks that swim on their sides, is downright un-American, so I was inspired to take on a DIY project to help out my rubber feathered friends.

Step 1: Acquire 50 Unbalanced Rubber Ducks.

These lovely specimens were acquired from Little Buddah’s family. They were a belated birthday present for the Missus. The Missus has had rubber ducks in her possession in the past. Last year, she donated the last of her collection to Good Will. I’m guessing kids aren’t infatuated with ducks much anymore, and prefer activities and possessions which rhyme with duck instead.

There was also a favored joke*, about a duck, a lost cherry, and skillful horse trading which isn’t fit for mixed company, but will be included at the end of this post for the less proper among you.

Step 2: Make Ducks Seaworthy

Acquire fifty quarters and one jar of rubber cement. Spend the next twenty minutes gluing quarters to the bottom of rubber ducks in a futile effort to lower the center of gravity, and offset the extra weight impairing the balance of all ducks wearing helmets. Allow half an hour drying time before moving.

Step 3: Swear with the Eloquence Typically Attributed to Dick Cheney….

Because the rubber cement is an inferior bonding agent for adhering quarters to rubber ducks. After swearing is complete, begin scratching head and searching through kitchen junk drawers for a suitable substitute.

Step 4: Settle for Cheap Clear Tape.

Spend the next twenty minutes taping quarters to rubber ducks.

Step 5: Set Up Photo Shoot in Fish Pond, Then Gloat

*There was a poor man with a teenage son and on the son’s sixteenth birthday, he gave the young man a duck.

“Son, I know this isn’t much, but I don’t have much to give. I was thinking you could take the duck to town and use it to barter with a hooker for service.”

Happily the boy agreed, I set off for town with the duck in his arms.

The boy found a hooker who would accept the duck as payment. After they had sex, the hooker asked the boy, “Are you sure it was really your first time? That’s the best lay I’ve ever had. If you lay me again, I’ll gladly give you your duck back.”

The boy agreed, they had sex again, and the hooker returned his duck.

As the boy walked home, with the duck in his arms, a loud truck approached, startling the duck. The duck flew from his arms into the path of the oncoming truck, and was killed.

The driver pulled over and apologized for killing his duck, and he gave him two dollars for his loss.

When the boy arrived home, his father asked, “Son, how’d you do?”

The boy replied, “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two dollars for a fucked-up duck.”