You’ve probably seen him before, at bar or restaurant. He’s the one who sits quietly, with a gin and tonic, watching television, pausing occasionally to survey the occupants of the room, or acknowledge new patrons. He doesn’t stare or disturb others…he just kind of blends into the surroundings.
He’s completely innocuous until your date excuses himself to see a man about a horse. The moment your date disappears, this guy casually leaves his perch and approaches your table. He doesn’t feed you a stale, canned line. He pauses instead to carry on a polite scintillating conversation. He’s fashionable dressed, and charming, so in a moment of weakness, you ask if he’d like to join you.
Well, I’m that guy, minus the clever conversation. I’m the well groomed gentleman who starts conversations with carefully composed prose inked on cocktail napkins. Just ask the Mister.
Last night, I kept my distance as Mister Hombre sat close Missus Chica on the sofa and played yahtzee. In between dice rolls, the Mister would lean in to nuzzle her neck. Sometimes he would move in and cradle his hand in the small of her back. It was obvious to both Dirty Girl and myself the Mister’s intentions weren’t exactly honorable. I’m not sure if the Missus was on to the old horndog or not. She played along, but in a coquettish fashion, her agenda less obvious than the Mister’s.
As things progressed, there was more wine and more giggling. I was afraid I might never get the opportunity to make my move, but then I noticed the Mister’s eyes bulge. Quickly, he grabbed his Harry Potter book and beat a hasty retreat to THAT bathroom.
You know the one. It’s the unofficial location of all activities toxic, carefully secluded from public areas of the home. It has an amazing library, endless supply of matches, a few handheld electronic games and a comfy bath mat located strategically at the base of the throne. This was a most excellent turn of events, allowing me plenty of time to swoop in and steal the Missus away.
It’s important to make the proper entrance when you attempt to steal another guy’s girl. I circled the living room so she could see me strut confidently with my ears at attention, my tail curled, my muscular forearms, and my ever sexy jelly role in full profile. Yeah, baby, you know you want sum.
Effortlessly, I leapt upon the arm of of the sofa, and said, “Cmon’, Baby, gimme sum luvin ‘?” All she heard was,”Meow,” but it was equally effective. Can you say, business time? Next, I slowly approached her couch cushion, batting my sexy whiskers. Then I looked deeply into her eyes and bumped my head against her breast. Ohh Baby can you believe that? Second base, and I hadn’t offered to buy her a drink yet. I was afraid I might be moving a little fast, so I cooled my jets, and sat cheek to cheek with her on the sofa.
I nudged her elbow and she responded by stroking me under the chin. It was almost more than I could handle. Casually, I rolled into her exposing, my soft luscious belly fur (I bet you’re getting all hot and bothered just reading this aren’t you?).
Not wanting to be left out, Dirty Girl moved in from the opposite side. First she tried her come hither smile. Frustrated by the lack of acknowledgment, she offered the Missus a florescent green rubber lizard. Did you know artificial petroleum reptiles were the way to a woman’s heart? Neither did I. It couldn’t have hurt, that Dirty Girl purrs so loudly when she gets turned on. Much to her dismay the Missus, suggested the two remain friends. Dirty Girl may swing both ways, but the Missus does not.
After Dirty Girl retired to the arm of the sofa, dejected, I resumed my attempts at wooing the Missus. I continued exposing my belly, and finally managed to lay my head in her lap. She thought I was the cutest suitor ever.
Eventually, the Mister returned to the living room to reclaim his territory rejoin the Missus. He looked intimidated by my presence. Casually he walked into the kitchen, and dropped a little extra kibble into my bowl. Sneaky bastard. After my snack, I returned to the living room. The lights were off and Missus was nowhere to be found.
Foiled again!
Posted by clawless 
Posted by clawless 
Posted by clawless 
