Because I Care

Dear Automotive Purchasing Consultant, Certified Team Member, Uncultured, Post-Pubescent Sales Wench,

I understand selling cars for a living is a precarious line of work. If you don’t sell, you become indebted to the dealership, who furnishes you with a weekly advance, not to be confused with a salary. While I appreciate your enthusiasm, your method is, how can I put this delicately, desperate and ineffective with the current clients you are attempting to seduce.

I realize that some of the techniques set forth are established protocol for this dealership, and while my owners find them unbelievably annoying, they have the decency not to hold company policy against you, because they are reasonable individuals and that’s just how they roll.

To prevent you from spending eternity in debt, because of your sophomore sales prowess, I’m going to provide you with a few constructive suggestions, because it is my desire that you succeed in life. Why? Because you, you are a beautiful flower, and special in your own way!

• As a cat permanently clad in pretentious formal wear, I am overqualified to hand out fashion advice, however, I always perform my duties well groomed and I NEVER flash any pink skin. Your attire, on the other hand, left too little to the imagination. I understand hip hugging cargo pants and baby doll t-shirts are still considered fashionable in this backward corner of the world, but they are more advantageous when you wait tables at the bar downtown. At a dealership they make people reconsider whether or not they would consider purchasing a car on the recommendation of someone barely old enough to purchase alcohol. Your bellybutton peeking out of your Seagrams 7 muffin top does not inspire the Mister to finance an automobile for five years. If you’re too miserly to buy a shirt that properly disguises your jelly roll, how can you expect the Mister to spring for the performance package?
• When introducing yourself to potential clients, refrain from insulting the city where you are conducting business. Believe it or not most of the population chooses to live here. The Missus does not. Is being witty worth alienating seventy percent of your potential customer base? I’ll let you think it over.
• I’m sure the employment process is very competitive and your position is highly coveted. I also understand you are subjected to rigorous training to properly pressure potential clients into making impulsive purchases. While these techniques might prove effective to six out of ten potential clients who remain on the lot after they have seen your thong because you teeny weeny t-shirt rides up, the Mister and Missus don’t usually fall for techniques or methods that promise a three way at the end of the transaction. Joining them on a test-drive only pisses off the Missus. She will not ask you questions, she will not discuss the car with the Mister, and she will refuse to drive it because you are there. It’s nothing personal, but she doesn’t actually care what you think. I understand some dealerships insist you ride along, but I also know the dealership your work for does not.
• Your knowledge of makes and models was impressive and extensive. You might consider slowing down when you talk about the features, in the future. Not that everyone doesn’t enjoy listening as you rattle off bulleted items like an auctioneer, but the Missus noticed that you had a tendency to transpose information, which is essentially giving out misinformation. This is not an effective sales technique, because clients don’t like being misled.
• When potential purchasers request a test drive alone, as in without you shouting out facts and figures, do not harass them in the parking lot. So they’ve been idling for a few minutes, that doesn’t mean they are unable to operate the vehicle. It simply means the Mister likes shiny things and he intends to press every button and flip every switch. Cause’ he’s an overgrown boy and that’s what he does. It isn’t necessary to knock on the passenger window to make sure everything is okay. You may look the same age as the Missus, and you may even feel this urge to try and bond with her. DON’T. She has left behind the days of Purple Jesus and Pink Panty Pull-downs served from the bathtubs of frat houses. If the first thing that comes to mind when you hear Leonardo is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you should refrain from opening your mouth any further and simply allow her to close the window in you face while she adjust the fade on the stereo speakers.

If you follow a few of the aforementioned tips, you might actually succeed in selling the Mister automotive transportation. This is especially true if your finance manager is willing to “take one for the team”. I regret
that I am unable to offer you enough tips to sell a vehicle to the Missus, because frankly you rub her the wrong way. Good luck with your career, and remember should you have to supplement your income by waiting tables at the pub, don’t insult the township, it effects the patron’s generosity when tipping.

Sincerely,

Patches