Last Tuesday, Mister Hombre drove Ole One Eye and Mrs. One Eye to their new home at the assisted living facility (ALF). At the suggestion of experienced eldercare specialists, Mister Hombre and Missus Chica have not called or visited them yet. For a lot of people this is simply unimaginable, cold, and neglectful. And for the record, it hasn’t been an easy decision for Mister Hombre and Missus Chica to abide by. Mister Hombre has called every day (usually more than once) to check on the status of the One Eyes, visitors (friends, extended family and congregationalists) have been since they arrived.
They want the One Eyes to have an opportunity to adjust to living in an ALF without suffering the setbacks that communicating with family (in this case family blamed for the incarceration) can cause. There isn’t a handbook that tells you best way to go about acclimating seniors to life-changes like this one, because there is no best way. Seniors are individuals, each one as unique as a snowflake. There are those who accept aging with grace, dignity and acceptance. And then there are the rest of us, fighting, clawing, kicking and screaming every step of the way. The specialists Mister Hombre contacted, recommend family not visit the seniors at the ALF facility for one week to two months. That leaves more than enough latitude for the family to fail miserably. If the seniors are adjusting gradually to the idea of residence, you don’t want to give them an opportunity to explode while the anger is fresh. But you don’t want so much time to pass that they feel as if they have been abandoned.
Regardless of your good intentions and your carefully deliberated decision, they will blame you and hold you accountable for every single wrinkly or nearly-dead who is suffering the same fate that they are. One of Missus Chicca’s friends said the staff at her mother’s ALF, requested the family NOT return or call for a few weeks, because the mother would be sooo nasty during the visit and and gave the staff hell for days afterward. One step forward…half a mile back.
The decision to place the One Eyes in an ALF was not an impulsive decision that was taken lightly. After Ole One Eye’s surgery, it became obvious to the family that Ole One Eye and Mrs. One Eye had been working overtime not quite taking care of each other. If you combined the strengths of both, you would barely have enough attributes to produce one self-sufficient independent human being. The family physician (he’s supervised their health for over forty years and knows them well) recommended that both the One Eyes be placed in assisted living. He expressly requested twenty-four hour supervision for both of them. He strictly opposed them remaining in their home with contract care for two reasons: (1)It is financially impractical and (2) There individual needs are too great for them to adequately care for one another.
Missus Chica and Mister Hombre would definitely prefer that the One Eyes remain in their home on their terms. Unfortunately, that’s no longer an alternative, because their health needs trump their desire for autonomy. But the good news is no one is really happy and no one is having a really good time……so no one has an advantage.
January 31, 2007 at 1:12 am |
Sigh. The word incarceration is so telling. That is what it must feel like to them.
That’s an interesting rule about the no visiting. You know you are going to catch hell for it too.
January 31, 2007 at 11:48 am |
Yup, Filet of Hell is on the menu this afternoon. Word from the surveillance team (visitors) is the One Eyes have enjoyed company and taken things pretty well. They are aren’t happy with the situation, but they aren’t taking out their frustrations on non-blamable family either. But, a public persona is merely camouflage for a private one.
Mister Hombre, one of his brothers, and Missus Chica are going for visit this afternoon. They’re practicing breathing and meditation techniques to restrain themselves from taking this too personally. I don’t know many people who look forward to being yelled at and chastised.